...Why?

Yesterday the 21st of August our son Emrick Waylon, our precious Wolfstar, our beautiful baby boy, passed away around 7:30 pm. He was doing fine, except the last couple days he'd been very fussy and squirmy. He was off all respitory assistance- no respirator to breath for him, no nasal cannula supplying a steady flow of oxygen, he was all on his own. He no longer had the tube down his throat to pump air out of his stomach. He had finally gotten everything off his face- no more tape and tubes for him to pull at. I had even gotten to give him his first sponge bath this week. At around 6:30 pm Emrick's blood oxygen level dropped and he stopped breathing. They put him on the ventilator to breath for him, then he started to breath again and they took it out and put on a cannula to supply oxygen. Then his blood pressure dropped and his heart rate increased over 200. Then it dropped below 40 and they started him on rounds of medication. They noticed that the PIC line (a central IV that leads into a chamber of the heart) was not draining well and thought it must be blocked so they put in a regular IV and started the medication again. He did not respond to the medication or the CPR that they gave him for about 20 minutes. He died before the medicine was done going into him. At some point the doctor stuck a needle in the sack around his heart and pulled out around 80 cc's of air. Then she stuck it in his abdomen and pulled out some air but nothing very significant. She then re stuck his heart sack and pulled out about 20 cc's of whitish fluid that she sent off to the lab to be tested. They have no idea why he died or how. Within in an hour he went from perfect and healthy and just taking fluids and antibiotics to being sickly and upset and then dead.

We went up to see him and stayed with him through the night. They took him away this morning to be prepped for autopsy to try and find anything that could have contributed to his death, be it an infection that they never caught or the PIC line eroding into the heart and pumping IV fluid into the actual heart or if it had something to do with his intestines which was why he had gotten sick last week and transferred to Chapel Hill. We won't know anything for maybe weeks.

All I can do is sit here and hold Shaun and let him hold me and cry and just... I don't know what to do but cry and wonder why me? Why us? WHY GOD DAMN IT WHY? How? But that's all I know to do. It hurts so bad no words can explain just how much or just how it feels. I read once that a mother is connected to her child by a energy umbilical cord until they're about a year old when it naturally fades on it's on but there's still that connection. It feels like someone just ripped open my womb and took him again. I feel so empty. I can feel he's missing, his energy isn't connected like it was.

Shaun keeps saying that he's only gone in body not in spirit. All I know, all I can hope is that he's in Summerland, with the Goddess holding him close to her breast until I can once more. I know he's watching me until then. It's so hard to be strong, to not just want to curl up and shut away from everything.

Even the Earth mourned him. There was no moon last night, just a starry sky with the big dipper sitting on the horizon. She wished not to show her face for the world would see her crying. There was no sun today. He would not show weakness unto the Earth. There were just clouds and rain and thunder while the sun shied his face away to let the sky cry and roar their celestial pain. Our tears joined theirs, mixed in with the rain, our pain and sorrows one for our baby. Our son. Our Wolfstar. Our Emrick Waylon. He is the Immortal Son of Wolves. And he will live on immortal in our hearts in our minds in our souls in our memories and our stories, our tiny wolf pup.