Thursday, October 8, 2009
Slowly The Time Passes
Well it's been awhile since I've posted. Nothing much has happened really. Just trudging along, battling depression, riding the waves of grief and going day by day. School is my get-away. Home is still hell. Me and Shaun argue a lot but it's understandable with all the stress we're under. We STILL haven't gotten the autopsy results back. It's excrutiating, the wait, the not knowing, the beating myself up. What if it was because of me? The doctors? Could his prematurity have been prevented? Could his dealth have been prevented? We don't know yet. And tomorrow, the 9th of October, 2009, is the day I was supposed to have my little Emrick... how much would he have weighed? How long? What would it have been like to hold him to me after I had him, for Shaun to cut his cord, to bring him to my breast for his first feed... I'll never know. Never. And it pains me to no end. I love you Emrick. I miss you with all that I am.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Central NC Pagan Pride Day!!!
I wanna go sooooooooo bad!!! I wanna go and dance :D I'll post if I'm going so come see me dance ;D
Saturday, August 22, 2009
...Why?
Yesterday the 21st of August our son Emrick Waylon, our precious Wolfstar, our beautiful baby boy, passed away around 7:30 pm. He was doing fine, except the last couple days he'd been very fussy and squirmy. He was off all respitory assistance- no respirator to breath for him, no nasal cannula supplying a steady flow of oxygen, he was all on his own. He no longer had the tube down his throat to pump air out of his stomach. He had finally gotten everything off his face- no more tape and tubes for him to pull at. I had even gotten to give him his first sponge bath this week. At around 6:30 pm Emrick's blood oxygen level dropped and he stopped breathing. They put him on the ventilator to breath for him, then he started to breath again and they took it out and put on a cannula to supply oxygen. Then his blood pressure dropped and his heart rate increased over 200. Then it dropped below 40 and they started him on rounds of medication. They noticed that the PIC line (a central IV that leads into a chamber of the heart) was not draining well and thought it must be blocked so they put in a regular IV and started the medication again. He did not respond to the medication or the CPR that they gave him for about 20 minutes. He died before the medicine was done going into him. At some point the doctor stuck a needle in the sack around his heart and pulled out around 80 cc's of air. Then she stuck it in his abdomen and pulled out some air but nothing very significant. She then re stuck his heart sack and pulled out about 20 cc's of whitish fluid that she sent off to the lab to be tested. They have no idea why he died or how. Within in an hour he went from perfect and healthy and just taking fluids and antibiotics to being sickly and upset and then dead.
We went up to see him and stayed with him through the night. They took him away this morning to be prepped for autopsy to try and find anything that could have contributed to his death, be it an infection that they never caught or the PIC line eroding into the heart and pumping IV fluid into the actual heart or if it had something to do with his intestines which was why he had gotten sick last week and transferred to Chapel Hill. We won't know anything for maybe weeks.
All I can do is sit here and hold Shaun and let him hold me and cry and just... I don't know what to do but cry and wonder why me? Why us? WHY GOD DAMN IT WHY? How? But that's all I know to do. It hurts so bad no words can explain just how much or just how it feels. I read once that a mother is connected to her child by a energy umbilical cord until they're about a year old when it naturally fades on it's on but there's still that connection. It feels like someone just ripped open my womb and took him again. I feel so empty. I can feel he's missing, his energy isn't connected like it was.
Shaun keeps saying that he's only gone in body not in spirit. All I know, all I can hope is that he's in Summerland, with the Goddess holding him close to her breast until I can once more. I know he's watching me until then. It's so hard to be strong, to not just want to curl up and shut away from everything.
Even the Earth mourned him. There was no moon last night, just a starry sky with the big dipper sitting on the horizon. She wished not to show her face for the world would see her crying. There was no sun today. He would not show weakness unto the Earth. There were just clouds and rain and thunder while the sun shied his face away to let the sky cry and roar their celestial pain. Our tears joined theirs, mixed in with the rain, our pain and sorrows one for our baby. Our son. Our Wolfstar. Our Emrick Waylon. He is the Immortal Son of Wolves. And he will live on immortal in our hearts in our minds in our souls in our memories and our stories, our tiny wolf pup.
We went up to see him and stayed with him through the night. They took him away this morning to be prepped for autopsy to try and find anything that could have contributed to his death, be it an infection that they never caught or the PIC line eroding into the heart and pumping IV fluid into the actual heart or if it had something to do with his intestines which was why he had gotten sick last week and transferred to Chapel Hill. We won't know anything for maybe weeks.
All I can do is sit here and hold Shaun and let him hold me and cry and just... I don't know what to do but cry and wonder why me? Why us? WHY GOD DAMN IT WHY? How? But that's all I know to do. It hurts so bad no words can explain just how much or just how it feels. I read once that a mother is connected to her child by a energy umbilical cord until they're about a year old when it naturally fades on it's on but there's still that connection. It feels like someone just ripped open my womb and took him again. I feel so empty. I can feel he's missing, his energy isn't connected like it was.
Shaun keeps saying that he's only gone in body not in spirit. All I know, all I can hope is that he's in Summerland, with the Goddess holding him close to her breast until I can once more. I know he's watching me until then. It's so hard to be strong, to not just want to curl up and shut away from everything.
Even the Earth mourned him. There was no moon last night, just a starry sky with the big dipper sitting on the horizon. She wished not to show her face for the world would see her crying. There was no sun today. He would not show weakness unto the Earth. There were just clouds and rain and thunder while the sun shied his face away to let the sky cry and roar their celestial pain. Our tears joined theirs, mixed in with the rain, our pain and sorrows one for our baby. Our son. Our Wolfstar. Our Emrick Waylon. He is the Immortal Son of Wolves. And he will live on immortal in our hearts in our minds in our souls in our memories and our stories, our tiny wolf pup.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Surprise!!
Well everyone I have shocking news...
Emrick Waylon was born to Aileen and Shaun on Monday July 27, 2009 at 9:36 a.m. He weighed 3 lbs. 3 oz. and is 16 1/4" long.
He was born at a few days over week 29 gestation and was sent to the big hospital to be taken care of until either he can be discharged back down to the naval hospital to be "grown" till his due date (Oct 9) or he'll stay at the big hospital till his due date give or take days or weeks maybe. He was given a chemical that his body had not yet produced in order for his lungs to be able to open and close and was put on a respirator to breath for him. He was weaned off of it yesterday and when we went up to see him he was no longer attached to it. He's lost his 3 oz. which we were told is to be expected (some weight loss) and with the help of an oxygen/air supply in his nose he's breathing on his own now. One of the doctors who worked with him after he was delivered (all naturally :D) came down with the flu so he's in isolation right now to watch for signs of the flu and to be extra safe so the other premies at the hospital don't get sick if he does. He's got a head of hair and still likes to stretch all out while sleeping, just like his daddy (when he's not cuddling). He is also under a special light that breaks down some toxin that my body would be doing for him since he can't yet.
He should be able to be dressed a bit soon so we get to bring up some newborn or premie size onesies for him :) I'm using a breast pump since I want to feed but it'll still be a bit before they'll start giving him any. We're heading up to see him again today :)
I had a lil over 4 hours of unknown labor followed by the appearance of a bulging sack (the amniotic fluid had come through my cervix and was trying to say hi to the world). I was rushed to the naval hospital via ambulance and after getting set up and having my water broken for me I pushed for about 20 min. There were so many doctors and nurses my mom wasn't allowed to stay in with Shaun at the same time so they were going to switch but he was born before they could so my mom was only there for the placenta (which I birthed about 20 min. later).
Goddess Bless,Aileen
Emrick Waylon was born to Aileen and Shaun on Monday July 27, 2009 at 9:36 a.m. He weighed 3 lbs. 3 oz. and is 16 1/4" long.
He was born at a few days over week 29 gestation and was sent to the big hospital to be taken care of until either he can be discharged back down to the naval hospital to be "grown" till his due date (Oct 9) or he'll stay at the big hospital till his due date give or take days or weeks maybe. He was given a chemical that his body had not yet produced in order for his lungs to be able to open and close and was put on a respirator to breath for him. He was weaned off of it yesterday and when we went up to see him he was no longer attached to it. He's lost his 3 oz. which we were told is to be expected (some weight loss) and with the help of an oxygen/air supply in his nose he's breathing on his own now. One of the doctors who worked with him after he was delivered (all naturally :D) came down with the flu so he's in isolation right now to watch for signs of the flu and to be extra safe so the other premies at the hospital don't get sick if he does. He's got a head of hair and still likes to stretch all out while sleeping, just like his daddy (when he's not cuddling). He is also under a special light that breaks down some toxin that my body would be doing for him since he can't yet.
He should be able to be dressed a bit soon so we get to bring up some newborn or premie size onesies for him :) I'm using a breast pump since I want to feed but it'll still be a bit before they'll start giving him any. We're heading up to see him again today :)
I had a lil over 4 hours of unknown labor followed by the appearance of a bulging sack (the amniotic fluid had come through my cervix and was trying to say hi to the world). I was rushed to the naval hospital via ambulance and after getting set up and having my water broken for me I pushed for about 20 min. There were so many doctors and nurses my mom wasn't allowed to stay in with Shaun at the same time so they were going to switch but he was born before they could so my mom was only there for the placenta (which I birthed about 20 min. later).
Goddess Bless,Aileen
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The Doc Says...
I went in yesterday for my appointment and the doctor said since I'm not gaining enough weight fast enough I have to start coming in every four weeks to have an ultrasound down to measure his growth to make sure it's normal and increasing regularly which I guess is alright. Better safe than sorry and means more times to see him :D I started at a gestimated 110 lbs. Friday in Wilmington I was 117. Yesterday at the naval hospital I was 115. I should be at least around 120 apparently. As long as the baby is growing fine I'm ok with not gaining all that weight :P
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Ultrasounds, Scares, and Surprises
It's a BOY!! Not what we thought but apparently what everyone else "knew". But we're happy. We had a big scare though...
I went in on Thursday for the ultrasound and the tech said she had to go talk to the doctor when it was over so some OB doc came in and told us there were soft indicators I think he called them for Down Syndrome. He said the tech had seen 2 white spots on the heart which by themselves were common but had also seen excess fluid in the right kidney (I didn't know that's what the second thing was until the next day). He kept saying that even though my blood test screening had come back negative he wanted to be sure and was sending me to a specialist for another ultrasound. He kept saying over and over and implying again and again that the reason why they like to catch it as early as posible is so that if the couple choses to do so they can terminate the pregnancy if it is DS before they run out of the time frame for that option, as if he thought we would want to do that. It made me sick to be honest.
Well I cried and I guess Shaun cried later on that night and we had a big discussion and all this other stuff and I went in to Wilmington the next day in the morning for the other ultrasound. They had a much nicer tech and much better technology. She looked for everything that the tech the day before had looked for, confirmed it was a boy (haha, turtle...) and said everything looked normal to her. Someone who's learning the equipment played around and got some good pics while she went to show the images she had gotten to the doctor who talked to me and my mom (Faison had to sit out on that part and Shaun hadn't been able to come because of work). She said she didn't see what ever they had thought they had seen the day before and there was no excess kidney fluid and everything looked healthy and normal. She also told me the screening test that had come back negative was 80% accurate and that with the new ultrasound images told her there was a very slim to nill chance anything was wrong, so I was extremely happy and relieved and so was Shaun lemme tell you.
Oh, and what the first OB doc had failed to realize or mention was that in the state of NC it's illegal to get an abortion after 20 weeks. I was confirmed as a week ahead of what I had been told when I first got pregnant so I am 23 weeks and 2 days instead of 22 weeks 3 days I guess, roughly :P which puts my due date at around October 9 unless they change it, again. I go in tomorrow afternoon for a doctor appointment to go over everything and for a check up so we'll see how that goes.
Oh, and we're really thinking of Emrick Waylon Thomas :) Emrick is welsh and means immortal and Waylon is celtic and means son of the wolf (should be son of the wolves lol).
(Also got some more baby things...)
I went in on Thursday for the ultrasound and the tech said she had to go talk to the doctor when it was over so some OB doc came in and told us there were soft indicators I think he called them for Down Syndrome. He said the tech had seen 2 white spots on the heart which by themselves were common but had also seen excess fluid in the right kidney (I didn't know that's what the second thing was until the next day). He kept saying that even though my blood test screening had come back negative he wanted to be sure and was sending me to a specialist for another ultrasound. He kept saying over and over and implying again and again that the reason why they like to catch it as early as posible is so that if the couple choses to do so they can terminate the pregnancy if it is DS before they run out of the time frame for that option, as if he thought we would want to do that. It made me sick to be honest.
Well I cried and I guess Shaun cried later on that night and we had a big discussion and all this other stuff and I went in to Wilmington the next day in the morning for the other ultrasound. They had a much nicer tech and much better technology. She looked for everything that the tech the day before had looked for, confirmed it was a boy (haha, turtle...) and said everything looked normal to her. Someone who's learning the equipment played around and got some good pics while she went to show the images she had gotten to the doctor who talked to me and my mom (Faison had to sit out on that part and Shaun hadn't been able to come because of work). She said she didn't see what ever they had thought they had seen the day before and there was no excess kidney fluid and everything looked healthy and normal. She also told me the screening test that had come back negative was 80% accurate and that with the new ultrasound images told her there was a very slim to nill chance anything was wrong, so I was extremely happy and relieved and so was Shaun lemme tell you.
Oh, and what the first OB doc had failed to realize or mention was that in the state of NC it's illegal to get an abortion after 20 weeks. I was confirmed as a week ahead of what I had been told when I first got pregnant so I am 23 weeks and 2 days instead of 22 weeks 3 days I guess, roughly :P which puts my due date at around October 9 unless they change it, again. I go in tomorrow afternoon for a doctor appointment to go over everything and for a check up so we'll see how that goes.
Oh, and we're really thinking of Emrick Waylon Thomas :) Emrick is welsh and means immortal and Waylon is celtic and means son of the wolf (should be son of the wolves lol).
(Also got some more baby things...)
- 4 onesies
- A portable fold-up padded changer/sleeper
Monday, June 8, 2009
Everything's While I'm Gone...
*sigh* So. We're leaving for our trip back west around the 16/17 of June about. We won't be back until about a month later. What I'm going to miss...
- June 21: Father's Day (our first) and Litha, the Summer Solstice [Feast of the Faeries] (also our first)
- June 22: Our one year anniversary and the New Moon
- The last belly dance session of the summer
- July 4: Fireworks and party with my friends
- Around July 4: My friend Sara's baby shower and my one chance to see her before the baby's born or her deployment next year
- July 7: Full Moon and a Lunar Eclipse
- And any time with Shaun for a month
July 20 is Ocean Day...?
I Spy Something Baby
Well we now have:
- One old-school wooden booster seat (from my neighbor, Angela)
- One baby monitor (from New to You)
- One plug-in-the-car-lighter bottle warmer (also from New to You)
We have found in addition to the above stated:
- One looks-like-new $75 changing table (NtoY)
- One slightly-used $30 high chair with wheels (NtoY)
All from one place too. Oh, and baby clothes but we have to wait until after Thursday (June 11, my anatomical ultrasound and my sister's 13th birthday) to start buying clothes.
I am also working on a crocheted Tam (cream), baby blanket (purple), and a bikini top (for a dance costume, will make a matching belt and maybe armbands) (gray).
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Pregnancy Massage: A Guide for Couples
Looking for something your partner can do to ease your pregnancy woes? Here are a few simple massage techniques.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Some Change
Well my mom has been acting, different, lately. She's been more into talking to me bout baby stuff and such. The other day she asked what her grandma name is going to be. Dad's the same mostly. I got to see Shaun this whole weekend though, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I was happy :)
So my ultrasound is June 11, my sister's 13th birthday. June 12 is my next appointment. Shaun only could get off for the 11th :( So Faison's coming with me on the 12th.
Senior pictures are the end of July and I'm wanting to do a belly dancing shot with my belly showing (hopefully I'll actually have one by then).
I'm starting some new crochet projects. A tam, a baby blanket, a bikini top I'm going to decorate for a dance top, and a tote I haven't started yet. I want to start tie dyeing baby clothes like onsies and socks and hats. www.freewebs.com/hemp-wear-n-more
So my ultrasound is June 11, my sister's 13th birthday. June 12 is my next appointment. Shaun only could get off for the 11th :( So Faison's coming with me on the 12th.
Senior pictures are the end of July and I'm wanting to do a belly dancing shot with my belly showing (hopefully I'll actually have one by then).
I'm starting some new crochet projects. A tam, a baby blanket, a bikini top I'm going to decorate for a dance top, and a tote I haven't started yet. I want to start tie dyeing baby clothes like onsies and socks and hats. www.freewebs.com/hemp-wear-n-more
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
What A Hell...
Friday I went to see LaMaire (Not sure if that’s the right spelling) because I was having bad abdominal pains, especially on my right side. I’m thinking it was just round ligament pains. Tylenol helps it and my headaches, which are getting more frequent. Monday was my actual scheduled appointment at 3:20. Shaun was there but showed up late because of school traffic and the rain so he missed the heartbeat since my mom was in a hurry. Then I had to get blood drawn to screen for Down Syndrome and Cystic Fibrosis. The lady (Pam) was great it barely hurt and went real fast, unlike the Naval hospital. LaMaire said I’m not gaining enough weight and I need more protein to do it. I’ve gained four pounds in four months. I’m supposed to get to at least 25 gained by the end.
I haven’t been sure I’ve felt any movement in about two weeks, until Monday. The baby was VERY active, almost the whole day. When I went to my younger sister’s band concert the baby danced. I think loud external noises like multiple people talking or music is the trigger, but who knows. My next appointment is in 4-5 weeks and the anatomical ultrasound is supposed to be before that.
Well, I already have been feeling that I need to move out, but now it’s definite. My dad doesn’t want to bother talking to me about any of it and doesn’t think I need him. Mom thinks if the two of us talked it out it would solve everything. It won’t, not that he’ll talk. My grades have dropped and I’m struggling. The emotional strain is almost too much for me to bear. The energy emanating in my house is enough to make me be in a constant gloom, and I know it’s not good for me nor baby. I can only see Shaun on the weekends (one day) and it’s getting irritating. It hurts to think I actually have to leave, but I know I have to do something, and this is all I can think of to let everyone cool down and maybe they’ll realize what they’ve done to me.
My Nana knows too (my mom’s mom), and is on my side. That’s reassuring. I don’t think anyone else in the family’s been told, which I don’t know if that’s good or not. Probably not. Our trip to Oregon is mid-June to mid-July and it might be my last time to see any of them for awhile, but I don’t know if they’ll let me go if I move out before June.
We’ve found a place that we can afford on HWY 24. Rent is $400 a month for a one bed one bath and we only have to pay for electric and the cable/phone. I can catch the bus to or from school too. Wish me luck.
Oh, I’ve found a mentor for my senior project, Kaitlyn. I’m doing Prenatal Belly Dancing. I’m really excited about it. I've also started getting more into Sea Magick. Found abook at the Compass Rose on the Island on it. I'm definitely feeling the Water Mage/Sea Witch pull :)
I haven’t been sure I’ve felt any movement in about two weeks, until Monday. The baby was VERY active, almost the whole day. When I went to my younger sister’s band concert the baby danced. I think loud external noises like multiple people talking or music is the trigger, but who knows. My next appointment is in 4-5 weeks and the anatomical ultrasound is supposed to be before that.
Well, I already have been feeling that I need to move out, but now it’s definite. My dad doesn’t want to bother talking to me about any of it and doesn’t think I need him. Mom thinks if the two of us talked it out it would solve everything. It won’t, not that he’ll talk. My grades have dropped and I’m struggling. The emotional strain is almost too much for me to bear. The energy emanating in my house is enough to make me be in a constant gloom, and I know it’s not good for me nor baby. I can only see Shaun on the weekends (one day) and it’s getting irritating. It hurts to think I actually have to leave, but I know I have to do something, and this is all I can think of to let everyone cool down and maybe they’ll realize what they’ve done to me.
My Nana knows too (my mom’s mom), and is on my side. That’s reassuring. I don’t think anyone else in the family’s been told, which I don’t know if that’s good or not. Probably not. Our trip to Oregon is mid-June to mid-July and it might be my last time to see any of them for awhile, but I don’t know if they’ll let me go if I move out before June.
We’ve found a place that we can afford on HWY 24. Rent is $400 a month for a one bed one bath and we only have to pay for electric and the cable/phone. I can catch the bus to or from school too. Wish me luck.
Oh, I’ve found a mentor for my senior project, Kaitlyn. I’m doing Prenatal Belly Dancing. I’m really excited about it. I've also started getting more into Sea Magick. Found abook at the Compass Rose on the Island on it. I'm definitely feeling the Water Mage/Sea Witch pull :)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Hoopin' Mama
Well, i finally got back into hooping. yup, found her, dusted her off, and spent at least an hour outside learning some tricks. Actually bout to go out in a bit :) Practiced some hand hooping, which they feel bruised haha, and lifting from the waist (which is very hard). I joined the tribe.net group Hoopin' Mamas. (Here's my tribe.net http://people.tribe.net/c94ee6a1-f430-4ca0-b3d2-4a446ffc90d4 ) it was so, meditative. And fun. It put a spark in my ill mood I've had the past few weeks from constantly argueing with my parents. I'm going to try and videotape myself and upload it when I can.
P.s.
Might be moving out. We're looking at a one bed one bath heading into Swansboro $400 rent a month. It looks like one of those old plantation houses with the white collumn pillars.
P.s.
Might be moving out. We're looking at a one bed one bath heading into Swansboro $400 rent a month. It looks like one of those old plantation houses with the white collumn pillars.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Accident
Well yesterday I got into an accident. My very first too. I was on my way home from my boyfriend's house with my friend Faison (she was driving) and we were sitting at the corner of Starling and HWY 172 to turn left onto 172. It was about 7:37. We pulled to a stop, looked left, looked right. Coming from the right was green car towing a trailer with a canoe or something on it and were turning into the turn lane to turn onto Starling. They were about 100 150 ft back and slowing so Faison was going to turn. She says she swore she didn't see anything to the left, I don't know if she looked or not. 7:38 about. She started to turn the wheel, pressed the gas, I looked up, saw the red car and then bam we hit. We were slammed to a stop and whiplashed forward. I swear my vision blurred. Not everything going by, but my actual vision. When I came back up from the whiplash I saw the red car go into the ditch on the other side of the road. We weren't going fast enough for either the seatbelts to react or for airbag deployment.
We both just sat there for a second and then Faison started freaking out because she couldn't find her phone. Mine was in my lap and I remember not being able to see very well but notreally noticing. It was like the edges of my vision were black and I was kind of detatched until I started to talk. She went to get out and I told her to try and back the car up out of the middle of the road. She threw it in reverse and the whole car creaked in agony and went a couple inches. I said screw it and she parked and turned it off. When I went to open my door it only opened about 6 inches before it creaked and groaned and protested so I kicked it open and climbed out. That's when I noiced the red car had slammed into the green car before rolling into the ditch. Or maybe the green car hit the red one, I'm not sure. Me and Faison walked ver to the side of the road and that's when I thought of the baby and my adrenaline hit. I started shaking and trying not to cry and kept holding myself. People startd parking and walking by to the other cars and asking if we were alright. We called my dad, her mom, then Shaun who came with his mom.
I knew the girl in the red car, she had a cut on her forehead by the hair line and she slit the skin between thumb and forefinger on her right hand and said she had to to get stitches, and she had the baby in the back (who was fine) and some guy in the car with her. There was another lady in the green car who went with the ambulance to get checked at the hospital. I was scared shitless and so was Shaun. He said he's never been that scared in his life. The EMS guy said that I should be fine since I've had a healthy pregnancy so far but if anything feels abnormal to go get checked. They told us we'd have some sore muscles for a few days which I'm a bit stiff in the right side and the back of my neck mostly. I was praying to the Goddess so hard till I went to bed. I'd take any pain if She'd keep the baby safe.
I'm pretty sure I'm ok, everything feels fine and Faison's feeling real guilty, but me and Shaun have been trying to ease her up. I made her laugh at least :)
We both just sat there for a second and then Faison started freaking out because she couldn't find her phone. Mine was in my lap and I remember not being able to see very well but notreally noticing. It was like the edges of my vision were black and I was kind of detatched until I started to talk. She went to get out and I told her to try and back the car up out of the middle of the road. She threw it in reverse and the whole car creaked in agony and went a couple inches. I said screw it and she parked and turned it off. When I went to open my door it only opened about 6 inches before it creaked and groaned and protested so I kicked it open and climbed out. That's when I noiced the red car had slammed into the green car before rolling into the ditch. Or maybe the green car hit the red one, I'm not sure. Me and Faison walked ver to the side of the road and that's when I thought of the baby and my adrenaline hit. I started shaking and trying not to cry and kept holding myself. People startd parking and walking by to the other cars and asking if we were alright. We called my dad, her mom, then Shaun who came with his mom.
I knew the girl in the red car, she had a cut on her forehead by the hair line and she slit the skin between thumb and forefinger on her right hand and said she had to to get stitches, and she had the baby in the back (who was fine) and some guy in the car with her. There was another lady in the green car who went with the ambulance to get checked at the hospital. I was scared shitless and so was Shaun. He said he's never been that scared in his life. The EMS guy said that I should be fine since I've had a healthy pregnancy so far but if anything feels abnormal to go get checked. They told us we'd have some sore muscles for a few days which I'm a bit stiff in the right side and the back of my neck mostly. I was praying to the Goddess so hard till I went to bed. I'd take any pain if She'd keep the baby safe.
I'm pretty sure I'm ok, everything feels fine and Faison's feeling real guilty, but me and Shaun have been trying to ease her up. I made her laugh at least :)
Friday, April 10, 2009
Heartbeat
Went to my physical exam appointment thing on Monday. Shaun actually got to go to that one (yay!). It was him me and my mom. I didn't have to get a pap smear (thank the Gods) but I will around December of 2010. The midwife said that they've found out they only have to do them every 3 years, not every year like they thought they needed to. I did have to have an internal exam though and she had to swab my cervix. Wasn't too bad, not too awkward. She was really nice. Then she had to check the baby's heartbeat so she used a Doppler- it's like those microphones attached to a speaker you play with when you're little. It took her for ever to find the lil thing. She was all over my right side and Sunday I had felt flutterbys on my left side between my bellybutton and hip and was gonna tell her to check there (not sure if it had been baby or digestion) and she went there on her own and bam, found it. Said it was around 170 which was a big jump from the ultrasound beat (156) but still healthy. Shaun was ecstatic he got to hear. It meant a lot to have him there.
Oh, and apparently the OBGYN looked at my pictures and said that I was a week ahead (so I was 13 weeks and 4 days on Monday instead of 12 weeks and 4 days according to my last period date). And, not only am I negative for all the weird bugs and stuff from the blood test, I found out I'm O-, which means if Shaun is something+ I'll have to get an Rh+ (I think) shot so my body doesn't attack the baby as foreign. I have another appointment a month from Monday for more blood work to test for down syndrome and something about osteo-stuff. Yay. More needles. Then we'll schedule for my next ultrasound to see what the baby is! (If it’ll be cooperative :P)
Yesterday I hit (according to the OBGYN’s dating) 14 weeks J “Your little one is currently between 3.2 to 4.5 inches (from crown to rump) and weighs in at around .9 ounces.”
Oh, and apparently the OBGYN looked at my pictures and said that I was a week ahead (so I was 13 weeks and 4 days on Monday instead of 12 weeks and 4 days according to my last period date). And, not only am I negative for all the weird bugs and stuff from the blood test, I found out I'm O-, which means if Shaun is something+ I'll have to get an Rh+ (I think) shot so my body doesn't attack the baby as foreign. I have another appointment a month from Monday for more blood work to test for down syndrome and something about osteo-stuff. Yay. More needles. Then we'll schedule for my next ultrasound to see what the baby is! (If it’ll be cooperative :P)
Yesterday I hit (according to the OBGYN’s dating) 14 weeks J “Your little one is currently between 3.2 to 4.5 inches (from crown to rump) and weighs in at around .9 ounces.”
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
A Little Catching Up
Hey everyone. It's been awhile since I've been able to post anything, and trust me, the time has not gone by uneventful. Since my last post we told my mom (him and I together) and she then told my dad (via e-mail). Let's just say that things haven't gone over too well and things are still almost at full boil, but gradually cooling to simmering. My dad keeps on with the idea that my life is ruined, my future he had dreamed for destroyed, etc. etc. Both of my parents are also insistent on my continued removal from my boyfriend (now fiance, since the day we found out :D ). Every new thing I learn every new bit of information I grab i try to share with both him and my mom. But, every time I bring up anything to do with anything on the subject my mother gives me this look that's a cross between "Please just shut up and let me think this isn't happening," "You're really grating on my nerves and I'm NOT happy with you so don't think easy converssation on it is going to make me feel any better," and "I really, really, really am thinking you did this on purpose." It's, irritating.
My dad even went as far as to e-mail me saying if I wanted to go to prom this Saturday (my junior prom) that I had to go and get an abortion. I gave him an ear-full of a lot I'm sure he didn't want to hear or expected to hear. Then he changed his mind and said I could go, but that it didn't change anything he'd said (which was a lot).
I finally got to the doctor today. There was a group orientation, a dating scan (my first ultrasound), and I had to give 7 vials of blood and a urine sample for lab work. According to my last period I should be at 11 weeks and 5 days today and be 12 weeks Thursday. According to the ultrasound I'm already at 12 weeks. So my due date is still roughly estimated as and 15 or 16 of October still. I'll upload the ultrasound pictures when I can get a hold of my sister's scanner. When she first put the scanner thing on my belly the first image that came up was its hands. Then I got to see the whole body, the heart beat (and hear it), and see it move. Once she turned the speakers on and the heartbeat rang out I started to cry and couldn’t stop. My mom didn’t let my boyfriend come to the first appointment and I didn’t know that a dating scan meant an ultrasound, so I was upset because he should have been there, that and it’s so, emotional… so, indescribable it is seeing that little human being that’s growing inside you for the first time, seeing it move and hearing its heart (which was 156 bpm). It’s a hell of a lot different than seeing someone else’s on TV.
After that we made my next appointment (which is my full physical and when I meet the doctor and probably my midwife) which is Monday at 3:40. He’ll be going to that one. That’s when I found out that not only are the naval hospital’s midwives unqualified for homebirths, but the naval hospital doesn’t have the facilities for a water birth, so I have to figure out how I’m going to do that. I’ll have to have a ‘civilian’ midwife who does home water births but I don’t know if my dad will change the Tricare so I can do that.
It took about 3 hours of cleaning my room with my mom to get her convinced to let him over for a few minutes to see the pictures. At first she didn’t want to let him come over but I finally got her to. It’s, going to be hard. I have no idea whatsoever how it’s going to be after my dad comes home, which is Sunday (Saturday’s prom).
My dad even went as far as to e-mail me saying if I wanted to go to prom this Saturday (my junior prom) that I had to go and get an abortion. I gave him an ear-full of a lot I'm sure he didn't want to hear or expected to hear. Then he changed his mind and said I could go, but that it didn't change anything he'd said (which was a lot).
I finally got to the doctor today. There was a group orientation, a dating scan (my first ultrasound), and I had to give 7 vials of blood and a urine sample for lab work. According to my last period I should be at 11 weeks and 5 days today and be 12 weeks Thursday. According to the ultrasound I'm already at 12 weeks. So my due date is still roughly estimated as and 15 or 16 of October still. I'll upload the ultrasound pictures when I can get a hold of my sister's scanner. When she first put the scanner thing on my belly the first image that came up was its hands. Then I got to see the whole body, the heart beat (and hear it), and see it move. Once she turned the speakers on and the heartbeat rang out I started to cry and couldn’t stop. My mom didn’t let my boyfriend come to the first appointment and I didn’t know that a dating scan meant an ultrasound, so I was upset because he should have been there, that and it’s so, emotional… so, indescribable it is seeing that little human being that’s growing inside you for the first time, seeing it move and hearing its heart (which was 156 bpm). It’s a hell of a lot different than seeing someone else’s on TV.
After that we made my next appointment (which is my full physical and when I meet the doctor and probably my midwife) which is Monday at 3:40. He’ll be going to that one. That’s when I found out that not only are the naval hospital’s midwives unqualified for homebirths, but the naval hospital doesn’t have the facilities for a water birth, so I have to figure out how I’m going to do that. I’ll have to have a ‘civilian’ midwife who does home water births but I don’t know if my dad will change the Tricare so I can do that.
It took about 3 hours of cleaning my room with my mom to get her convinced to let him over for a few minutes to see the pictures. At first she didn’t want to let him come over but I finally got her to. It’s, going to be hard. I have no idea whatsoever how it’s going to be after my dad comes home, which is Sunday (Saturday’s prom).
Saturday, February 28, 2009
What A Shocker
Hey everyone. Well, we mineaswell start with the intro. Name's Aileen. I'm sixteen, a practicing Pagan, and I just found out, well, I'm pregnant. Wow, bam, shocker right? Yea, it is. Not to some, I'm sure (when they find out... some of my friends probably have bets on the day that I'll slip and get preggers), surprisingly more than I thought it would be to me. I thought I wasn't, was determined that it was just in my head (or my body being random again) like the other "I think I'm pregnants" and I wasn't, and yet, here I am, the day after I stood in my bathroom at 5:50 in the morning staring at those two little very BRIGHT pink lines on a home test, excited and scared and laughing and crying, starting a blog that I want to keep updated throughout my pregnancy.
Phew, wow. Ok, breather. Now on to the important stuff. I started keeping track of my periods, approximate ovulation time windows, and whenever I had sex months ago, after the first time me and mine made love, between a good site called www.MyMonthlyCycles.com and my calendar. So I had a good guess on when I was to ovulate, and when my last period was supposed to start.
- My suspected ovulation time window was between January 23 and January 27.
- I had sex multiple times, wow I was thinking like a smart girl, in the weeks prior and of.
- My period was supposed to start, according to the site's calculator, on February 9, the Full Moon.
- Started a bit of cramping the week before (which is still going on, my friend says it my body adjusting), which was the week after I ovulated, so I figured this month it would be on time. Guess not. Figured after a few days, it was normal to be a bit late. Two weeks, figured stress from trying to keeps A's in two honors classes, Spanish II, and AP US History and arguing constantly in my house with my mother.
- Here's the catch: yea yea, sore breasts, everyone knows that, but it's also a sign of your period coming on. Ignored for the most part. Hunger spike, nothing new. Tiredness, not new either. Then came the not feeling good. About February 15 (a Saturday) I had an upset stomach at night, same with the following day. I was fine for about a week, and then it came back the following weekend, about Feb. 21-ish. Ever since then I have had almost constant nausea, and where even though I eat and get full physically, I'm still starving. I've now fallen asleep on the couch four times this week. Thankfully my mom's left me there.
- Ok so a friend was supposed to get me a test, she said she did, but forgot it Tuesday, and Wednesday, and big surprise, Thursday. So, I ask my boyfriend to grab one from his work, like he's done a couple times before, and bring it when he comes to see me that night. So he does. Now, by this time he has it set in his mind that I'm pregnant, even though I tell him I don't think so, but by now I'm mostly trying to convince myself. So we sleep the night and he leaves in the morning. I grab the test and my cell and go in the bathroom, lock the door, then realize I need a cup. I go find one in the cabinet in the dark, then do the deed. The box says test result should appear within 1-3 minutes. I turned around to dump the rest of the cup's contents in the toilet, turn around, and there's two BRIGHT ass pink lines staring up at me. I just notice it as I was turning and do a double take, then look at the box to make sure I was reading it right. Under positive, it shows the bright first line, then a faded second line, under negative it shows just the first bright one. I had both lines, and they were both solid. I'm speechless, then I freak. Grab the phone, text my lover, the whole nine yards, then the whole speal of "Oh my gods" and almost crying but not. Jump in the shower, mind racing, jeez what have I gotten myself into?
- So, Shaun gets to tell me "Told you so" and I note I should trust his instincts a hell of a lot more.
- So I'm thinking I'm right at about a month. Oh, and I've decided I want a midwife, and a home-birth. None of that hospital crap. Not for me. He wants to still think on it, but we'll see ;D If I could have a Pagan midwife, that would the best thing in the world, but we'll see what we can find. I can guarantee my mother will NOT be happy in the end.
Speaking of instincts, he thinks it's a girl. Not just because we both want a girl (first), but he honestly has one of those "I already know" instinctual things he gets and, laughing, asks if I wanna bet on it. Boy oh boy this is going to be interesting, and I think quite, enjoyable.
Oh, and I'm planning on cleaning up my altar (which I've neglected since Yule) and making a Birth Altar, while Shaun's working on a protection charm. And I'm wondering if Shaun unconsciously having a cinnamon broom by his bed the last couple months and my working on my chakras to aliviate some back pain led me to get pregnant this time and none of the other times... just a pondering.
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