Thursday, October 8, 2009
Slowly The Time Passes
Well it's been awhile since I've posted. Nothing much has happened really. Just trudging along, battling depression, riding the waves of grief and going day by day. School is my get-away. Home is still hell. Me and Shaun argue a lot but it's understandable with all the stress we're under. We STILL haven't gotten the autopsy results back. It's excrutiating, the wait, the not knowing, the beating myself up. What if it was because of me? The doctors? Could his prematurity have been prevented? Could his dealth have been prevented? We don't know yet. And tomorrow, the 9th of October, 2009, is the day I was supposed to have my little Emrick... how much would he have weighed? How long? What would it have been like to hold him to me after I had him, for Shaun to cut his cord, to bring him to my breast for his first feed... I'll never know. Never. And it pains me to no end. I love you Emrick. I miss you with all that I am.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Central NC Pagan Pride Day!!!
I wanna go sooooooooo bad!!! I wanna go and dance :D I'll post if I'm going so come see me dance ;D
Saturday, August 22, 2009
...Why?
Yesterday the 21st of August our son Emrick Waylon, our precious Wolfstar, our beautiful baby boy, passed away around 7:30 pm. He was doing fine, except the last couple days he'd been very fussy and squirmy. He was off all respitory assistance- no respirator to breath for him, no nasal cannula supplying a steady flow of oxygen, he was all on his own. He no longer had the tube down his throat to pump air out of his stomach. He had finally gotten everything off his face- no more tape and tubes for him to pull at. I had even gotten to give him his first sponge bath this week. At around 6:30 pm Emrick's blood oxygen level dropped and he stopped breathing. They put him on the ventilator to breath for him, then he started to breath again and they took it out and put on a cannula to supply oxygen. Then his blood pressure dropped and his heart rate increased over 200. Then it dropped below 40 and they started him on rounds of medication. They noticed that the PIC line (a central IV that leads into a chamber of the heart) was not draining well and thought it must be blocked so they put in a regular IV and started the medication again. He did not respond to the medication or the CPR that they gave him for about 20 minutes. He died before the medicine was done going into him. At some point the doctor stuck a needle in the sack around his heart and pulled out around 80 cc's of air. Then she stuck it in his abdomen and pulled out some air but nothing very significant. She then re stuck his heart sack and pulled out about 20 cc's of whitish fluid that she sent off to the lab to be tested. They have no idea why he died or how. Within in an hour he went from perfect and healthy and just taking fluids and antibiotics to being sickly and upset and then dead.
We went up to see him and stayed with him through the night. They took him away this morning to be prepped for autopsy to try and find anything that could have contributed to his death, be it an infection that they never caught or the PIC line eroding into the heart and pumping IV fluid into the actual heart or if it had something to do with his intestines which was why he had gotten sick last week and transferred to Chapel Hill. We won't know anything for maybe weeks.
All I can do is sit here and hold Shaun and let him hold me and cry and just... I don't know what to do but cry and wonder why me? Why us? WHY GOD DAMN IT WHY? How? But that's all I know to do. It hurts so bad no words can explain just how much or just how it feels. I read once that a mother is connected to her child by a energy umbilical cord until they're about a year old when it naturally fades on it's on but there's still that connection. It feels like someone just ripped open my womb and took him again. I feel so empty. I can feel he's missing, his energy isn't connected like it was.
Shaun keeps saying that he's only gone in body not in spirit. All I know, all I can hope is that he's in Summerland, with the Goddess holding him close to her breast until I can once more. I know he's watching me until then. It's so hard to be strong, to not just want to curl up and shut away from everything.
Even the Earth mourned him. There was no moon last night, just a starry sky with the big dipper sitting on the horizon. She wished not to show her face for the world would see her crying. There was no sun today. He would not show weakness unto the Earth. There were just clouds and rain and thunder while the sun shied his face away to let the sky cry and roar their celestial pain. Our tears joined theirs, mixed in with the rain, our pain and sorrows one for our baby. Our son. Our Wolfstar. Our Emrick Waylon. He is the Immortal Son of Wolves. And he will live on immortal in our hearts in our minds in our souls in our memories and our stories, our tiny wolf pup.
We went up to see him and stayed with him through the night. They took him away this morning to be prepped for autopsy to try and find anything that could have contributed to his death, be it an infection that they never caught or the PIC line eroding into the heart and pumping IV fluid into the actual heart or if it had something to do with his intestines which was why he had gotten sick last week and transferred to Chapel Hill. We won't know anything for maybe weeks.
All I can do is sit here and hold Shaun and let him hold me and cry and just... I don't know what to do but cry and wonder why me? Why us? WHY GOD DAMN IT WHY? How? But that's all I know to do. It hurts so bad no words can explain just how much or just how it feels. I read once that a mother is connected to her child by a energy umbilical cord until they're about a year old when it naturally fades on it's on but there's still that connection. It feels like someone just ripped open my womb and took him again. I feel so empty. I can feel he's missing, his energy isn't connected like it was.
Shaun keeps saying that he's only gone in body not in spirit. All I know, all I can hope is that he's in Summerland, with the Goddess holding him close to her breast until I can once more. I know he's watching me until then. It's so hard to be strong, to not just want to curl up and shut away from everything.
Even the Earth mourned him. There was no moon last night, just a starry sky with the big dipper sitting on the horizon. She wished not to show her face for the world would see her crying. There was no sun today. He would not show weakness unto the Earth. There were just clouds and rain and thunder while the sun shied his face away to let the sky cry and roar their celestial pain. Our tears joined theirs, mixed in with the rain, our pain and sorrows one for our baby. Our son. Our Wolfstar. Our Emrick Waylon. He is the Immortal Son of Wolves. And he will live on immortal in our hearts in our minds in our souls in our memories and our stories, our tiny wolf pup.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Surprise!!
Well everyone I have shocking news...
Emrick Waylon was born to Aileen and Shaun on Monday July 27, 2009 at 9:36 a.m. He weighed 3 lbs. 3 oz. and is 16 1/4" long.
He was born at a few days over week 29 gestation and was sent to the big hospital to be taken care of until either he can be discharged back down to the naval hospital to be "grown" till his due date (Oct 9) or he'll stay at the big hospital till his due date give or take days or weeks maybe. He was given a chemical that his body had not yet produced in order for his lungs to be able to open and close and was put on a respirator to breath for him. He was weaned off of it yesterday and when we went up to see him he was no longer attached to it. He's lost his 3 oz. which we were told is to be expected (some weight loss) and with the help of an oxygen/air supply in his nose he's breathing on his own now. One of the doctors who worked with him after he was delivered (all naturally :D) came down with the flu so he's in isolation right now to watch for signs of the flu and to be extra safe so the other premies at the hospital don't get sick if he does. He's got a head of hair and still likes to stretch all out while sleeping, just like his daddy (when he's not cuddling). He is also under a special light that breaks down some toxin that my body would be doing for him since he can't yet.
He should be able to be dressed a bit soon so we get to bring up some newborn or premie size onesies for him :) I'm using a breast pump since I want to feed but it'll still be a bit before they'll start giving him any. We're heading up to see him again today :)
I had a lil over 4 hours of unknown labor followed by the appearance of a bulging sack (the amniotic fluid had come through my cervix and was trying to say hi to the world). I was rushed to the naval hospital via ambulance and after getting set up and having my water broken for me I pushed for about 20 min. There were so many doctors and nurses my mom wasn't allowed to stay in with Shaun at the same time so they were going to switch but he was born before they could so my mom was only there for the placenta (which I birthed about 20 min. later).
Goddess Bless,Aileen
Emrick Waylon was born to Aileen and Shaun on Monday July 27, 2009 at 9:36 a.m. He weighed 3 lbs. 3 oz. and is 16 1/4" long.
He was born at a few days over week 29 gestation and was sent to the big hospital to be taken care of until either he can be discharged back down to the naval hospital to be "grown" till his due date (Oct 9) or he'll stay at the big hospital till his due date give or take days or weeks maybe. He was given a chemical that his body had not yet produced in order for his lungs to be able to open and close and was put on a respirator to breath for him. He was weaned off of it yesterday and when we went up to see him he was no longer attached to it. He's lost his 3 oz. which we were told is to be expected (some weight loss) and with the help of an oxygen/air supply in his nose he's breathing on his own now. One of the doctors who worked with him after he was delivered (all naturally :D) came down with the flu so he's in isolation right now to watch for signs of the flu and to be extra safe so the other premies at the hospital don't get sick if he does. He's got a head of hair and still likes to stretch all out while sleeping, just like his daddy (when he's not cuddling). He is also under a special light that breaks down some toxin that my body would be doing for him since he can't yet.
He should be able to be dressed a bit soon so we get to bring up some newborn or premie size onesies for him :) I'm using a breast pump since I want to feed but it'll still be a bit before they'll start giving him any. We're heading up to see him again today :)
I had a lil over 4 hours of unknown labor followed by the appearance of a bulging sack (the amniotic fluid had come through my cervix and was trying to say hi to the world). I was rushed to the naval hospital via ambulance and after getting set up and having my water broken for me I pushed for about 20 min. There were so many doctors and nurses my mom wasn't allowed to stay in with Shaun at the same time so they were going to switch but he was born before they could so my mom was only there for the placenta (which I birthed about 20 min. later).
Goddess Bless,Aileen
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The Doc Says...
I went in yesterday for my appointment and the doctor said since I'm not gaining enough weight fast enough I have to start coming in every four weeks to have an ultrasound down to measure his growth to make sure it's normal and increasing regularly which I guess is alright. Better safe than sorry and means more times to see him :D I started at a gestimated 110 lbs. Friday in Wilmington I was 117. Yesterday at the naval hospital I was 115. I should be at least around 120 apparently. As long as the baby is growing fine I'm ok with not gaining all that weight :P
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Ultrasounds, Scares, and Surprises
It's a BOY!! Not what we thought but apparently what everyone else "knew". But we're happy. We had a big scare though...
I went in on Thursday for the ultrasound and the tech said she had to go talk to the doctor when it was over so some OB doc came in and told us there were soft indicators I think he called them for Down Syndrome. He said the tech had seen 2 white spots on the heart which by themselves were common but had also seen excess fluid in the right kidney (I didn't know that's what the second thing was until the next day). He kept saying that even though my blood test screening had come back negative he wanted to be sure and was sending me to a specialist for another ultrasound. He kept saying over and over and implying again and again that the reason why they like to catch it as early as posible is so that if the couple choses to do so they can terminate the pregnancy if it is DS before they run out of the time frame for that option, as if he thought we would want to do that. It made me sick to be honest.
Well I cried and I guess Shaun cried later on that night and we had a big discussion and all this other stuff and I went in to Wilmington the next day in the morning for the other ultrasound. They had a much nicer tech and much better technology. She looked for everything that the tech the day before had looked for, confirmed it was a boy (haha, turtle...) and said everything looked normal to her. Someone who's learning the equipment played around and got some good pics while she went to show the images she had gotten to the doctor who talked to me and my mom (Faison had to sit out on that part and Shaun hadn't been able to come because of work). She said she didn't see what ever they had thought they had seen the day before and there was no excess kidney fluid and everything looked healthy and normal. She also told me the screening test that had come back negative was 80% accurate and that with the new ultrasound images told her there was a very slim to nill chance anything was wrong, so I was extremely happy and relieved and so was Shaun lemme tell you.
Oh, and what the first OB doc had failed to realize or mention was that in the state of NC it's illegal to get an abortion after 20 weeks. I was confirmed as a week ahead of what I had been told when I first got pregnant so I am 23 weeks and 2 days instead of 22 weeks 3 days I guess, roughly :P which puts my due date at around October 9 unless they change it, again. I go in tomorrow afternoon for a doctor appointment to go over everything and for a check up so we'll see how that goes.
Oh, and we're really thinking of Emrick Waylon Thomas :) Emrick is welsh and means immortal and Waylon is celtic and means son of the wolf (should be son of the wolves lol).
(Also got some more baby things...)
I went in on Thursday for the ultrasound and the tech said she had to go talk to the doctor when it was over so some OB doc came in and told us there were soft indicators I think he called them for Down Syndrome. He said the tech had seen 2 white spots on the heart which by themselves were common but had also seen excess fluid in the right kidney (I didn't know that's what the second thing was until the next day). He kept saying that even though my blood test screening had come back negative he wanted to be sure and was sending me to a specialist for another ultrasound. He kept saying over and over and implying again and again that the reason why they like to catch it as early as posible is so that if the couple choses to do so they can terminate the pregnancy if it is DS before they run out of the time frame for that option, as if he thought we would want to do that. It made me sick to be honest.
Well I cried and I guess Shaun cried later on that night and we had a big discussion and all this other stuff and I went in to Wilmington the next day in the morning for the other ultrasound. They had a much nicer tech and much better technology. She looked for everything that the tech the day before had looked for, confirmed it was a boy (haha, turtle...) and said everything looked normal to her. Someone who's learning the equipment played around and got some good pics while she went to show the images she had gotten to the doctor who talked to me and my mom (Faison had to sit out on that part and Shaun hadn't been able to come because of work). She said she didn't see what ever they had thought they had seen the day before and there was no excess kidney fluid and everything looked healthy and normal. She also told me the screening test that had come back negative was 80% accurate and that with the new ultrasound images told her there was a very slim to nill chance anything was wrong, so I was extremely happy and relieved and so was Shaun lemme tell you.
Oh, and what the first OB doc had failed to realize or mention was that in the state of NC it's illegal to get an abortion after 20 weeks. I was confirmed as a week ahead of what I had been told when I first got pregnant so I am 23 weeks and 2 days instead of 22 weeks 3 days I guess, roughly :P which puts my due date at around October 9 unless they change it, again. I go in tomorrow afternoon for a doctor appointment to go over everything and for a check up so we'll see how that goes.
Oh, and we're really thinking of Emrick Waylon Thomas :) Emrick is welsh and means immortal and Waylon is celtic and means son of the wolf (should be son of the wolves lol).
(Also got some more baby things...)
- 4 onesies
- A portable fold-up padded changer/sleeper
Monday, June 8, 2009
Everything's While I'm Gone...
*sigh* So. We're leaving for our trip back west around the 16/17 of June about. We won't be back until about a month later. What I'm going to miss...
- June 21: Father's Day (our first) and Litha, the Summer Solstice [Feast of the Faeries] (also our first)
- June 22: Our one year anniversary and the New Moon
- The last belly dance session of the summer
- July 4: Fireworks and party with my friends
- Around July 4: My friend Sara's baby shower and my one chance to see her before the baby's born or her deployment next year
- July 7: Full Moon and a Lunar Eclipse
- And any time with Shaun for a month
July 20 is Ocean Day...?
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