Slowly The Time Passes

Well it's been awhile since I've posted. Nothing much has happened really. Just trudging along, battling depression, riding the waves of grief and going day by day. School is my get-away. Home is still hell. Me and Shaun argue a lot but it's understandable with all the stress we're under. We STILL haven't gotten the autopsy results back. It's excrutiating, the wait, the not knowing, the beating myself up. What if it was because of me? The doctors? Could his prematurity have been prevented? Could his dealth have been prevented? We don't know yet. And tomorrow, the 9th of October, 2009, is the day I was supposed to have my little Emrick... how much would he have weighed? How long? What would it have been like to hold him to me after I had him, for Shaun to cut his cord, to bring him to my breast for his first feed... I'll never know. Never. And it pains me to no end. I love you Emrick. I miss you with all that I am.